Harry Potter the Fanfic w a lot of Issues
by Nikki The Infamous
Summary: READ AND REVIEW THIS STORY! It's my hilarious, strange, twisted, and brilliant version of the 5th Potter book. Enjoy. Moohahaha


CHAPTA 1: ARISTAL ERMINE "OH SWEETIE, WE'RE SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK." "YES, WE MISSED YOU SO MUCH. WE ARE VERY PROUD OF YOU, INDEED. HOW WAS HOGWARTS?" "IT WAS GREAT MOMMY AND DADDY. I LOVE YOU!" "WE LOVE YOU, TOO!" "DID YOU DO WHAT WE TOLD YOU TO DO?" "YES." "WITH MOSTLY EVERYONE AT SCHOOL?" "YEP!" "OH HONNEYBOOBS!" "OH PARAFUKERS!" "CAN I PISS ARISTAL OFF?" "OF COURSE, HONNEYBOOBS." " HONNEYBOOBS? WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING? THAT WAS DISGUSTING," ARISTAL ERMINE SAID. SHE WAS TALKING TO HER PET MONKEY, KARL. OF COURSE THE MONKEY DIDN'T REPLY. IN FACT, WHAT WAS THE POINT OF TALKING TO HIM? I MEAN, HOW DERANGED WOULD YOU HAVE TO BE? WELL, THE WHOLE STORY IS LIKE THIS, SO GET USED TO IT. ANYWAY, ARISTAL WAS JUST LISTENING TO HER PARENTS PRAISE HER TWIN SISTER, MILDRED, WHO HAD JUST RETURNED FROM HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY. ARISTAL WAS UP IN HER ROOM ON THE TOP FLOOR. SHE HAD NOTHING TO DO EXCEPT TO LISTEN TO THIS IDIOTIC CONVERSATION AND TALK TO KARL. BEFORE SHE HAD TRIED TO COMMUNICATE WITH HERSELF, BUT THAT HADN'T QUITE WORKED. "I WISH THEY'D JUST SHUT THEIR MOUTHS, AND I WISH MILDRED WOULD JUST SHUT HER LEGS FOR ONCE IN HER LIFE. I MEAN, WILL THEY EVER STOP? THEY ARE DISTURBING MY CALM AND NON-VIOLENT MOOD." JUST THEN AGATHA, BLAKE, AND MILDRED ERMINE WALKED INTO THE ROOM. "AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY HELLO TO HONEYBOOBS?" BLAKE SAID. ARISTAL MADE A NASTY FACE AT HER FATHER. "NO, TELL HER THAT THIS HOUSE ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US AND ESPECIALLY HER." "ARISTAAAAAAL, HOW WAS YOUUUR WINTER? BORING?" SAID MILDREDED IN A SLY TONE. "SHUT UP, YOU FREAKIN', FREAKIN' SALOPE (SLUT IN FRENCH)," ARISTAL REPLIED.  
  
"DON'T TALK TO YOUR SISTER LIKE THAT. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, CHICKIESHITS? CHICKIESHITS? LET'S GO, MILDRED. WE HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU. THEIR THE KINDS YOU ASKED FOR, FEEKLIEN SUCKLES HER PLEASURE (CONDOMS)," SAID BLAKE. "AAAAOH, IS SISSY JEALOUS OF MY EXCITING TIME AT HOWARTS?" MILDRED SQUEAKED, NOT PLANNING ON GIVING UP THAT EASILY. ARISTAL TRIED TO PICK UP MILDRED AND THROW HER OUT THE WINDOW, BUT SHE WAS WAY TOO HEAVY. INSTEAD SHE SAID, "IF YOU MEAN SEXUALLY EXCITING." "NOW, CHICKIESHITS, THERE'S NO NEED FOR JEALOUSY," AGATHA SAID. "JEALOUS... SURE I AM. DID YOU BEAT YOUR RECORD?" "WHY YES, 687 PEOPLE... AND OBJECTS." "MORON." "WELL, AT LEAST I DON'T TALK TO MY MONKEY OR HAVE IMAGINARY FRIENDS." "I DON'T HAVE IMAGINARY FRIENDS, YOU TWIT, AND YOU DON'T HAVE A MONKEY." "YEAH, WELL YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY? PETS RESEMBLE THEIR OWNERS." "FOR YOUR FREAKIN' INFO, KARL IS A VERY SEXY MONKEY, AND YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KNOW THAT COSIDERING WHAT YOU DID TO HIM." "YES, BUT THEN AGAIN, THAT WAS PROBABLY A STUPID MUGGLE SAYING." "MILDRED, LETS GO. NOW!" BOTH PARENTS SHOUTED. "ZORBIS," THEY SAID WHILE POINTING THEIR WANDS. THIS SPELL APPARENTLY MADE MILDRED WALK OUT OF THE ROOM LIKE A ZOMBIE. ARISTAL THREW HERSELF ON HER BED, AND THEN SAT UP AGAIN TO HEAR MILDRED'S LAST WORDS. "FINE, WE WILL MEET AGAIN," MILDRED SAID. "I MUST THINK OF A NEW SPELL TO CAST ON YOU. REMEMBER, YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE." "WE LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE, YOU IDIOT." "HEY, I'M TRYING TO MAKE IT SOUND MORE DRAMATIC, CHICKIESHITS." "GOOD-BYE, MY LITTLE HONEYBOOB!" ARISTAL SHOUTED, VIOLENTLY THROWING THE CONDOMS AT HER SISTER. MILDRED FELL DOWN THE ATTIC STAIRS (IT WAS A LARGE BOX). *** ANYWAY, THE THREE WERE OUT OF THE ROOM AND WERE LEAVING ARISTAL BEHIND ON HER BLOOD-RED BED SHEETS. WELL, MILDRED WAS RIGHT BECAUSE ARISTAL WAS JEALOUS. BUT, SHE HAD A REASON TO BE. WHILE MILDRED WENT TO SCHOOL ARISTAL HAD TO STAY COOPED INSIDE HER ROOM (THIS SOUNDED BETTER THAN JAIL CELL). SHE COULDN'T SAY HER PARENTS TREATED HER BADLY. THEY BOUGHT HER CLOTHES FROM ABERCRINGLE AND FOUCHE , A VERY EXPENSIVE STORE WHERE NOTHING EVER FITS (THAT SHOULD SOUND FAMILIAR TO YOU), AND ANYTHING ELSE SHE WANTED. THEY JUST DIDN'T CARE ABOUT HER, AND WERE ASHAMED TO SHOW HER TO THEIR FRIENDS OR SEND HER TO SCHOOL. YOU SEE, ARISTAL WAS A SQUIB. SHE HAD NO MAGICAL POWERS AT ALL. HER TWIN SISTER WAS BORN WITH THEM, BUT SHE WASN'T. ARISTAL WAS GREEN WITH ENVY EVEN THOUGH SHE SAID SHE WASN'T. SHE WAS A DISGRACE TO THE FAMILY. HER PARENTS REFUSED TO SEND HER TO HOGWARTS EVEN THOUGH SHE DESPERATELY WANTED TO. IT WASN'T THAT SHE WAS AFRAID OF BEING STUPID BECAUSE SMART PEOPLE DON'T GET ANYWHERE IN LIFE. SHE JUST WANTED TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE AND TO LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD. ALTHOUGH, I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO WOULD WANT TO DO THAT. SHE OFTEN ACTED SNOTTY, RUDE, OR SOMETIMES SHE WAS VERY STRANGE. I'M SURE YOU HAVE NOTICED THE STRANGENESS UNLESS YOU THINK IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL. ARISTAL ERMINE WAS BORN IN NEW YORK CITY, A VERY FAMOUS CITY IN THE U.S. WHEN THEY WERE LIVING THERE AGATHA AND BLAKE REFRANED FROM USING MAGIC AROUND THEIR CHILDREN, AND THEY ADAPTED TO MUGGLE LIFE. HOWEVER, WHEN THE TWINS TURNED 10 MR. AND MRS. ERMINE SUDDENLY DECIDED TO MOVE TO LONDON. SOON ARISTAL AND MILDRED WERE EXPOSED TO THE WIZARDING WORLD, AND BOTH WERE SENT LETTERS FROM HOGWART WHEN THEY TURNED 11. AGATHA AND BLAKE ONLY ALLOWED MILDRED TO ATTEND SCHOOL. SHE WAS SORTED INTO HUFFLEPUFF. DURING THE FIRST FEW MONTHS ARISTAL'S PARENT HAD BECOME FRIENDS WITH THE WRONG CROWD. THE FIRST PEOPLE THEY MET WERE THE MALFOYS AND MACNAIRS. ARISRAL HAD NO IDEA THAT HER PARENTS WERE DEATH EATERS. WHEN AGATHA AND BLAKE'S FRIENDS CAME OVER ARISTAL NEVER LISTENED TO THEIR DISCUSSIONS, EVEN WHEN THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT THE BURNING DARK MARKS ON THEIR ARMS. THE 15- YEAR-OLD DID KNOW THAT HER PARENTS WORKED ON LEVEL 5 OF THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC. THEY WORKED IN THE INTERNATIONAL MAGICAL COOPERATION. AS YOU SEE, THIS WHOLE FAMILY IS DERANGED AND NOT RIGHT. HOWEVER, IF YOU GOT TO KNOW THEM... WELL THEY'D BE EVEN MORE DERANGED AND STRANGE, MUCH LIKE YOUR FAMILY. ARISTAL HAD A LOT OF TIME ON HER HANDS DURING THE YEAR. SHE SPENT MOST OF THIS TIME READING MILDRED'S SPELL, POTION, AND CHARM BOOKS. SHE NEVER GOT AROUND TO LOOKING AT HISTORY. ARISTAL ALSO HAD MANY MUGGLE OBJECTS LIKE A TELEVISION, CELL PHONE, AND AN MP3 PLAYER. SHE ALSO HAD AN INTEREST IN MARTIAL ARTS, SHE ENJOYED PRACTICING WHAT SHE LEARNED IN INTRUCTIONAL VIDEOS ON MILDRED. ARISTAL WENT OUTSIDE THE MANSION A FEW TIMES TO ROME AROUND THE BEAUTIFUL GARDEN. THE FAMILY LIVED INSIDE A DISTRICT OF LONDON CALLED FULHAM.  
*** ARISTAL STARED OUT OF HER WINDOW. "SOME DAY I WILL GO TO HOGWARTS. JEALOUS, HAHAHA, I WON'T BE ANYMORE." KARL MADE A NOISE. "YES, I WILL YOU STUPID MONKEY." KARL MADE ANOTHER NOISE. "SHUT IT, MY LITTLE KARLIBITCHIE. KARLIBITCHIE? THIS IS MESSED UP." KARL MADE A NOISE ONCE AGAIN. "SINCE YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME, I'LL MAKE MILDRED HUMP YOU... AGAIN." KARL COMMITTED SUICIDE (BUT WAS MAGICALLY BROUGHT TO LIFE AGAIN). "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOHOHOHHOHOOOOOOOOO." ARISTAL LAUGHED HISTERICALLY. 


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